This article is one person’s experience and is not meant to suggest that others will have the same results, nor is this post meant to promote any form of therapy or treatment for children with autism .
It is hard to imagine how painful and heartbreaking it must be to suspect that your child may be autistic. Seeing signs that indicate your child is somehow not fully "there" can feel like the ultimate rejection even if you know it's not your child's fault. Many parents must wonder where their child is-psychologically speaking, just as many wonder where grandparents suffering from senility and Alzheimer's are. Wherever their children or parents and grandparents are, many tend to think they aren't as happy as those of us who are present and focused in the "here" and now world. The process of realizing something is wrong is stressful and painful to parents who are experiencing this disconnect with their loved ones. Unfortunately, 1 percent of the population of children in the U.S. ages 3-17 have autism and though that may not seem like a large number, to those families suffering with children diagnosed with the disorder, it must feel like the end of the precious dreams once held so dearly.
The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke writes that "Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a range of complex neurodevelopment disorders, characterized by social impairments, communication difficulties, and restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior." A milder form of Autism is known as Asperger syndrome. Several famous people known to have Asperger Syndrome are Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft, Michael Edward Palin, an English comedian known more commonly for his role in the Monty Python series and Adam Young, an American musician and founder of Owl City. So, for those who have children diagnosed with this lesser form, this knowledge that Bill Gates or Adam Young who have achieved so much must be a sign of relief that their children too, can still live full lives.
The Experience of Autism
Research shows that males are four times more likely to have ASD than females, and 1 out of 88 children will be diagnosed with ADS. According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke , "Children with an ASD may fail to respond to their names and often avoid eye contact with other people. They have difficulty interpreting what others are thinking or feeling because they can't understand social cues, such as tone of voice or facial expressions, and don't watch other people's faces for clues about appropriate behavior. They lack empathy."
From Within, Without , is a YouTube video associated with Amy Lansky, author of Active Consciousness , and chronicles a story of a mother trying to find a cure for her son's autism. Like any mother, she initially went to conventional doctors only to be crushed with the disappointment that what was prescribed did nothing to bring her son back from the abyss that was his reality. He had seemed so normal in the beginning, but by the age of two, was diagnosed with autism. The changes in him began to show up slowly, and then there was no mistaking or pretending that he was like every other child. Their precious son didn't give her or her husband eye contact or respond to his own name. One day after endless days of doing frantic research for a cure, the mother read about a doctor in Los Angeles. Dr. Lucas De Schepper was his name and he was a homeopath using homeopathy to treat autism. Dr. Lucas De Schepper is a medical doctor, licensed acupuncturist and homeopath, an author of 15 books, and a respected teacher and lecturer worldwide. Yet this prestigious physician took the time to speak to this mother about her son, her hopes and her anxiety about her son's future. A week later the mother and her mother-in-law were on a plane visiting Dr. Schepper. The doctor prescribed a homeopathic treatment for her son that produced small changes even with after the first administering of the medicine prescribed. Many people reading this may feel suspect, it is too good to be true, many will think. But what we have to ask ourselves when we have this knee-jerk reaction is why is it often easier to believe in bad things happening, but not as easy to believe in the good? That's a topic for another article perhaps.
The story of this mother's journey actually gets better, because her son improved greatly. In fact, he came "back", fully and completely! The film follows their story over the next year and is greatly inspirational as her son, who never spoke a word was then able to articulate his thoughts and feelings. He'd been learning to speak all those months when he was unable to communicate with the outer world. It was only that his ability to communicate was locked within. Why is this mother's story known to only a few? How is it that there is a branch of medical treatment out there that can return the body and mind to its normal equilibrium and it not be common knowledge? Are we a society of complainers? Perhaps we focus less on the cures and more on what ails us? Do we ask and pray for miracles, and then when they show up we chalk it up to a one in a million chance?
Amy Lansky, herself had a child who was diagnosed with autism and she like the mother mentioned previously believed that there had to be a cure. She sought out to find it. "I began searching desperately for a solution. For instance, I began to experiment with food elimination strategies, an approach now viewed as essential within the autism community." Amy, like the mother mentioned above learned about some the astonishing affects of homeopathy which is a medical system developed in the 1800s and is based on "a seemingly incongruous therapeutic principle- that a disease can be cured by a substance that causes the disease's symptoms in healthy people." Amy, like the mother on the YouTube documentary was brave enough to give the road less traveled a try. She was willing to step outside of the norm and believe that just because the medical field did not have a cure did not mean that one didn't exist! Amy and her husband found a homeopath, "...and Max's road to recovery soon began. "Less than a week after beginning the recommended treatment, we began to notice subtle changes in his speech and social cognition... The improvements in Max's condition were slow but steady, and after a few months were quiet apparent." Max was diagnosed with autism in 1994, and by the spring of 1996 his symptoms had subsided enough that Amy and her husband were certain he would grow up and have the life they knew he deserved.
Embracing Hope
Here are two inspirational stories but compared to the children who are never released from their inner prisons, the successful stories are minuscule in comparison. With every disease, in every instance of pain and suffering, there are stories of those who overcame the odds. What makes these mothers different from the thousands who after going to the doctors and being given a prescription that does little, decided that they've come to the end of the road? They had hope, that's what makes them different. And they also didn't view doctor's as all knowing. They had the audacity to question an industry that would have us believe that it's wiser than our heart, which often whispers wisdom that seem unconventional to mainstream beliefs.
CHAPTER 1
What is resiliency?
The definition is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties.” In short, the resilient person is tough. Not tough on others, exactly, but made of ‘tough stuff’. How does a person get that tough stuff that will create in them resilience? A person achieves it by the words they speak about themselves and their lives. Their toughness is fueled by what they say inside their heads about what’s going on around them. A resilient person is a pro at looking at a situation in the best way possible.
A Positive Outlook
The resilient person has a positive outlook about themselves, life and other people. They get laid off from work and instead of thinking what bad luck it is, how unfair it was, why they had to leave, how much they hate the situation, the person with a positive outlook chooses a different focus. They begin to think of what they will do next, how they will get about it, they come up with a game plan. Others with a positive outlook will view the lay off as an opportunity to finally get in touch with what they really want. The job wasn't meant for them or they wouldn't have gotten laid off, so they want what is meant for them. They're almost kind of happy to lose what wasn't good for them or meant for them in the first place. Someone with a positive outlook takes lemons and makes lemonade.
Take the reaction of two parents who just got a call from the principle about their child misbehaving. The parent with the negative outlook will feel there's something wrong with them and their child too, or else their child would be good. Their child just doesn't get it, they're bad, they're a pain in their neck. The parent complains about having to take off work and go all the way up to the school. They want to hurt their child, maybe by calling them names, or maybe they'll actually hit the child. They will shame that child when speaking with him or her. They want to shame that child into better behavior.
The resilient parent looks at the situation as an opportunity to teach that child a better way of conducting themselves. Or maybe they've talked about this before, so this is a chance to reinforce what they've discussed previously. The resilient parent is confident that the child wants to improve and just needs help in understanding or remembering what they've discussed. The resilient parent may look at this as an opportunity to understand their child better. They wonder what's going on with them, why would they do that. They ask these questions so that the child can learn to think about their actions and not act on their emotions without attaching thought to them. The parent may start having more conversations with their child about this subject whenever the opportunity comes up. They may be watching TV and what they are watching relates to the child's issue, they may be walking down the street and see another child with the same behavior that their child displays. These are opportunities to say to the child, "why do you think that child is doing that, what's going on with that child?" The resilient parent wants to get to know their child in a new way, or they may even expand their knowledge by reading up on parenting, on children’s behaviors or seek therapy.
The resilient person thinks more positive and therefore has more hope about what's going on around them. That hope gives them more contentment and therefore more energy. The person who isn’t resilient complains. Their complaining brings them down and makes them feel as though the world weighs a ton. The types of thoughts they are telling themselves is called negative self- talk . Some individuals who have grown up in harsh environments may view negative self-talk as a reflection of reality and a form of toughness. But this kind of toughness doesn't help them overcome the stress, instead, the negative self-talk zaps them of their energy and depresses their emotions. The resilient person uses positive self-talk and manages the stress far better which gives them the energy and hopefulness to create a plan of action.
Re-cap
Resilience is the ability to adapt and recover quickly after adversity, stress, trauma or tragedy. The resilient personality maintains a level of healthy physical and psychological wellness in the face of life's challenges. The resilient personality doesn’t dwell on problems, feel overwhelmed or use unhealthy coping tactics to handle stress. They are also less likely to experience anxiety and depression.
The person who lacks resilience sees situations at their worst. They often shame themselves and others when things go bad. They complain and that creates more hopelessness. If the person never learns to think in a more constructive manner, they will see the world as a harsh negative place where things always go wrong and are doomed to remain that way.
QUIZ
True or False?
Negative self-talk zaps you of the ability to feel hopeful and positive about a situation.
Resilient people enjoy challenges and find meaning in them.
Negative self-talk is unhealthy
Resilient people bounce back from adversity quickly.
CHAPTER 2
Increasing your awareness
A person can change their thought patterns and develop resilience. A few things you must do is, learn to train your attention on more-positive aspects of your life. You use purposeful, trained attention to decrease negative thoughts in your mind and bring greater focus on the most meaningful aspect of an experience. You must ask yourself when things go wrong, what can I learn from this? How does this make me stronger, and what should I do now?
There are four areas you need to focus on when you want to change your negative self-talk to positive-self talk. The areas to focus on are: Emotional, cognitive, physical, and spiritual resilience. Improving how you feel about the situation, what you think about the situation, what not changing will do to you physically, and how hopelessness sabotages your spirit will help you improve your resiliency. Improving your ability to be resilient enhances your quality of life and decreases your stress and anxiety by teaching you to view life's challenges as opportunities instead of problems.
Step 1
Take the time to notice what sort of things you tell yourself when life becomes challenging. If you hear your inner voice complaining, you’ll know right away that you are sabotaging your strength and weakening your ability to remain positive and poised. Do you feel frustrated almost every day? Does your frustration last for more than a few minutes? Do you find it hard to just let go of a situation that didn’t go your way? These are signs that you need to change your thoughts.
Do you allow your emotions to think for you? When a adolescent drops out of school because they don't like it, or when a person gets upset over having to earn a living to survive, they are allowing their emotions to think for them. What that means is that they are making life changing decisions based on their emotions. If you have to do something that is necessary or important, get over asking yourself how you feel about it. Feelings aren't important if they are about what you have to do. Just do it . Emotions come and go, so stop checking in on them when what you are doing is important or the mature or adult thing to do.
Changing your thoughts, changes your emotions. Changing your emotions changes your personality. Changing your personality, changes your personal reality.
If you find that you have a habit of negative self-talk, here are the areas to focus on:
- Developing an internal locus of control : believe you have control of your life (or that a higher power has control)
- Developing a good sense of self-esteem : believe that you and everyone else has value and is worthy
- Developing a good sense of self-efficacy : believe that somehow, someway, you can do what you set your mind to
- Developing self-awareness and emotion regulation /management: understand and manage your emotions
- Developing optimism and hope : engaging in life and looking forward to the challenges it brings
- Developing positivity and positive emotions : believe that life was meant to be challenging, that challenges are normal and are meant to prompt you to look for meaning. Finding meaning helps you to grow and grow stronger. Embrace the opportunity to grow and become a stronger person.
- Developing gratitude and appreciation: being appreciative of what you have and practicing gratitude on a regular basis.
- Developing SMART goals : set goals that have an action plan and are specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound. Avoid saying I want to lose weight. Instead have an action plan and be specific . " Twice a week I will eat only healthy low-calorie foods and lose 5 pounds in 6 weeks ."
- Developing a flexible and adaptable attitude: keep your thinking from becoming rigid or inflexible. Realize life is more complicated than what you can see and know from looking at it from the surface. You can't read people's minds, and you can't always look at a person's behavior and understand that person, or yourself!
- Developing a positive, optimistic explanatory style : choose to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty.
QUIZ
True or False.
Anyone who wants to change, can change
Changing ones thinking changes their emotions.
Changing one’s emotions changes their personality.
Stop checking in on your emotions when what you are doing is the mature or adult thing to do.
Goals should have an action plan and be specific.
CHAPTER 3
RESILIENT PARENTING
Now that you have a better idea on how to be a resilient person, you can be a resilient parent. Resiliency in parenting is vital to raising healthy children with a strong sense of self-esteem and hopefulness about their futures. Children who are shamed will be hard-pressed to feel worthy and strong enough to create a positive life.
What's going on with the parent who doesn't have resilient parenting?
The parent who lacks resilient parenting feels helpless and views the child as willfully oppositional. This creates tension and intense frustration that results in anger or the parent feeling like a victim. The parent who lacks resilience in their parenting doesn't view the child's issue in a positive light. Just as the person who lacks personal resilience sees a challenge as something bad and that is out of their control, the parent who lacks resilient parenting sees the child's issue as something bad and out of their control. The parent doesn't feel they can change the situation, and so they use the only tool in their tool-box: shame and degradation.
Parents who use this method feel that if they can make the child feel ashamed at their behavior, they will want to improve. The problem with this idea however, is that it takes a level of understanding to change, and it takes confidence to change. Shaming a child does not teach the child what they did wrong, what they need to change to do it right and that they are viewed as worthy enough to get it right one day. Parents teach their children how to think properly when they know how and take the patience to communicate clearly. A parent must feel and show a child they have more of the worlds answers than the child does. Parent shows this by realizing all goals must have an action plan and be specific.
Parenting without resilience is a sign of a lack of confidence
Parents who don't feel confident and positive about their ability to change their children, project this uncertainty to the child. The child may not consciously be aware of their parent's lack of confidence, but they feel it. When we want to change anyone's behaviors, they will only follow us when they feel we know what we're doing. If your child doesn't feel you are wiser than they are, it will difficult for that child to trust what you say and they will find someone or something else to model their beliefs and behaviors after.
The resilient parent's view
How does the resilient parent see the same issue with the child? The resilient parent is hopeful. They feel they have a sense of control over the child and the situation. They see themselves as an authority over the child and they project confidence. When they tell the child what they expect, how to achieve it, and why, they feel certain the child will obey as long as that child clearly understands what to change and just as importantly, how to change it. When the resilient parent is faced with a child that doesn't do as they ask, they have immediate repercussions that they issue out without apologies or feeling a sense of guilt. The resilient parent retains their power by not allowing the child's reaction to control how they dispense their wisdom. They may want to be their child's friend, but they don't need to be.
The resilient parent doesn't feel guilty for having authority and realizes the child needs to see them as a source of authority if that child is to feel safe and secure. The parent realizes that children instinctively know the adult is supposed to have the control, and so if they see they have control over the parent they experience anxiety and a sense of not being protected. When a child feels anxiety or unsafe, they will often out their behaviors because they don't have the maturity to understand them yet.
The resilient parent sees life as a source of never ending lessons. For this reason, they are very much willing to help the child learn about life in the same manner that they learn. Remember, the resilient parent doesn't see challenges or hard times as bad. They look at it as opportunities to learn and grow, and so when their child is punished for disobedience, the parent views the punishment as a normal way to teach the child about life. Because of this, resilient parenting results in children who learn resilience as well.
What are some things a parent who lacks resilient parenting need to change?
- Believe you have control of your life, your child and their behavior
- Develop a good sense of esteem for your child and yourself. Everyone has value and is worthy
- Develop a good sense of self-efficacy : believe that somehow, someway, you can get through to your child
- Develop awareness and emotion regulation /management for yourself and your child
- Develop optimism and hope
- Developing positivity by believing life was meant to be challenging, that challenges are normal and are meant to prompt your child to connect the dots between consequences and their behaviors.
- Developing gratitude and appreciation: be appreciative for the challenges your child presents. It will help you to grow into a wiser person and it also gives you an opportunity to mold another human being into someone who will become a source of good for the community.
- Developing SMART goals : set goals that have an action plan and are specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound. Avoid saying "don't do that anymore!" Instead have an action plan and be specific . "When you clown around in class, you aren't learning. If you don't learn you won't have opportunities in life. When you don't have opportunities in life you'll find it almost impossible to have a home, take care of a family and live comfortably. When you're in class, I expect you to not talk or clown around. I expect you to listen to what's being taught. Every day you're unable to do this, you'll make up for what you didn't learn by not watching TV or playing video games when you get home. Understood? "
- Developing a flexible and adaptable attitude: keep your thinking from becoming rigid or inflexible. Realize life is more complicated than what you can see and know from looking at it from the surface. Often, you'll have to talk to someone who knows more than you, read about the issue that's facing you and your child, or seek therapy to open you up to new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
- Developing a positive, optimistic explanatory style : choose to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty.
QUIZ
True or False
Parents who use shame to control their child's behavior often aren't teaching their child what or how to change.
Children need to believe their parents know more than they do if they are to trust them enough to change their behaviors.
When a parent wants a child to alter their conduct the discussion should include an action plan and use specific language.
Parents are meant to teach their children how to think properly.
Parents who don't exhibit resilient parenting often view the child as being willfully bad and become frustrated.
CHAPTER 4
Once a parent develops resilience, the next step is to create a relationship with your child that deepens your connections and understanding of your child's emotions. You want to know what you child is thinking, how they think and what they are experiencing. In today's world there is a lot competing for your child's attention. Challenging your values and expectations for your child are video games, TV, movies and of course their peers. A parent wants to develop the sort of connection with their child so that their child values the belief system that the parents has instilled in them.
Develop a Parenting Style
When a parent has thought about the kind of person they want their child to become, they automatically come up with what types of conversations and behaviors need to be modeled to support their vision. These types of parents give thought to what they expect and what they are willing to do when the child doesn’t do as they ask. The next thing this type of parent should incorporate is their own parenting style. Some parents use stories about their own lives, religious based stories, or things that have occurred in the news to convey their values and wisdom to their children. Other parents will talk about the issue at hand and delve into how they view the matter and what their expectations are with their children. Whatever style you end up having, it needs to support a consistent theme. And because you've given the conversation some thought, it will be based on your wisdom and reason. You should also cap off the conversation with a one or two sentence motto, quote or mantra that reflects what you've explained.
- End each type of conversation with a short phrase which sums up what you are teaching your child, such as: (For a young child) When you are nice to others, it is easy for them to be nice to you too. (For an older child) Your thoughts change your emotions, your emotions change your personality, and your personality changes your personal reality.
Parents who haven’t given thought to what type of character they desire from their child is like a person who wants to travel to a far-off place without a map. The parent's behavior isn't clear and easy to for the child to follow. Because of this, the parent will often become angry, and the child becomes defensive and the situation dissolves into a yelling match.
To make this simple, think of what type of mind, emotions and character you would you like your child to have.
- Mind: Do you want your child to have a strong intellect and do well in school?
- Mind: Do you want your child to enjoy reading, learning or have some type of skill like playing an instrument?
- Emotions: Do you want your child to have a positive outlook on life, be kind or polite to others?
- Emotions: Do you want your child to understand their emotions, express them openly or in some particular fashion?
- Character: Do you want your child to develop a sense of responsibility?
- Character: Would you like your child to be honest and fair in general but to others also?
When you ask yourself these questions and more, you’ll find that you have some answers and opinions about them. This in turn will cause you to think about what you will do to encourage what you want to develop in your child’s personality. Once you develop a way of encouraging these things, you’ll find yourself becoming consistent and able to reinforce the behavior by your own reliability and focus.
It takes time to develop your child’s personality, so be patient and keep a positive point of view. Remember to have resilient parenting, you must be up for the challenge and learn from it. You must be able to find meaning in the areas where you and your child butt heads. Are you willing to look at yourself when you and your child are at odds? Can you ask yourself if you have been modeling the behavior you want from them? Have you expressed your expectations clearly and with specific language? Is your child going through some kind of hardship that is causing them to feel overwhelmed and not able to focus on the behavior you’d like?
When you parent children that aren’t your biological children the challenges can be more confusing and so communicating clearly and patiently is of even greater importance.
Some general tactics that support healthy child/parent relationships:
- Try to set aside time on a regular basis to do something fun with your child or designate one night where you play games or watch movies together.
- Use having dinner together as a family as an opportunity to talk about things that matter or bring you closer.
- If having dinner at the same time is not feasible, sit on the edge of your child's bed each night and talk to them about their day, how they feel about some event that might be impactful, of if there are bullies in their school etc.
- Look for an opportunity once a week to tell your child they are a good kid, intelligent or talented in some fashion.
- Ask your child every now and then what type of future they want for themselves. Gauge if or how this changes as they mature.
- Never give an order, request, or command without being able to enforce it at the time.
- Be consistent, reward or punish the same behavior in the same manner as much as possible.
- Agree on what behavior is desirable and not desirable.
- Agree on how to respond to undesirable behavior.
- Never disagree about discipline in front of the children.
- Make it as clear as possible what the child is to expect if he or she performs the undesirable behavior.
- Make it very clear what the undesirable behavior is. It is not enough to say, “You didn't do your chore well.” Be specific with what you mean. "The dishes weren't dried and put away after dinner was over."
- Once you have stated your position and the child attacks that position, do not keep defending yourself. Just restate the position once more and tell your child that the conversation is over- and mean it!
- Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect your child to change over night. Praise all behaviors reflect the desired goal.
- Remember that your behavior serves as a model for your children’s behavior. Children and people alike will watch what you do more than what you say.
- When married, if one of you is disciplining a child and the other enters the room, that other person should not step in on the argument in progress. The other parent is strong enough to handle this.
- Reward desirable behavior as much as possible by verbal praise, hugs, touches, or something tangible such as a toy, food or money.
- When married, both partners should have an equal shares in the responsibility of discipline.
QUIZ
True or False
Taking time to communicate regularly with your child won't increase the chances of your child choosing the values you've instilled over that of their peers, movies or video games?
You can act any way you want as a parent. It's what you say, not what you do that changes a child's behavior.
A child is unable to sense if you don't parent with confidence.
Even if you don't parent with confidence, the child will always trust what you say is true.
It's okay for parents to disagree on parenting in front of the child.
Good children change their behaviors immediately after being reprimanded.
SUMMARY
Becoming resilient changes you and causes you to feel empowered. Life feels lighter when we feel we have some kind of control over the things that happen to us. Whether we feel that control comes from a higher source or not, we must still process that information in some manner, and so expecting things to get better is a prerequisite life improving. When we believe challenging experiences can change for the better, we automatically come up with a plan of action, but when we don't expect life to change, we simply except what's been dealt to us.
The resilient person is healthier on every level because they respond more optimistically to stress. Those who aren't resilient are constantly bombarded with stress and never fully recover from the events that have caused the turmoil because they perceive the events as unchangeable. Only resilient people can be resilient parents because both require the same kind of hopeful, action-oriented thinking. But the good news is that, anyone willing to put in the effort to change, can incorporate the kind of thinking necessary to become resilient and quickly bounce back to life's stressors or traumas.
We hope this course has given you enough resources and insight to process the actions needed to create change in your life and by becoming a source of hope and encouragement, in the life of others as well.
New Promise Children and Family Services wants our staff to care enough about our clients that they make them feel as though they matter and that their challenges and issues matter. But how do we do that and what does it look like? Some clients are challenging, some of them are angry and rude. It's true that not every client will appreciate the effort you put out, so it's important that you have a philosophy that you live by whether the other person appreciates it or not.
- Excel even in the face of pettiness
What does this philosophy mean to you? Are you strong enough to even want to excel in the face of pettiness? It takes self confidence and pride not to mirror the next person's anger and insults. But if you can embrace this philosophy it will change you and your relationships with everyone you know. You become a role model and respected when you choose to excel even in the face of pettiness. Here at NPCFS we expect you to do a good job and speak professionally even when our clients are being difficult. We don't expect our staff to allow a client to be disrespectful or take them for granted though. Our staff should feel that it's okay to tell the client when a conversation needs to end so that it can be picked up when the dialogue can be more productive, or to even let the person know that you don't appreciate being yelled at or spoken to in that manner. But you should be calm and in control especially when you need to set limits. And you should be kind and patient when you are relaying difficult messages such as these. Excelling in the face of pettiness simply means you rise above the difficulty by being the solution and not becoming part of the problem.
- Always leave a person or their situation in a better place
What does it mean to leave a person or a situation in a better place? Sometimes is merely means that you leave the client feeling that they were heard and appreciated. And sometimes it means you address the client's needs by letting them know what needs to be done and how and when you will do it. And always, always follow up your deeds by letting the client know that you did what you promised by sending a brief voice, email or text stating that you actually took care of the situation.
When you visit a client's home, always leave with having done something to uplift, relieve or connect with the client. Sometimes the only thing you do when you visit a client is converse with them. Though conversing may seem a bit mundane, it isn't mundane if you use your listening skills and give that person your attention. Everyone wants to be seen and heard and you never know how much it may mean to a client when you give them eye contact and all your attention during the visit. Put away your cell phone, don't answer it if it rings. Give that client your attention and awareness. Share your similarities when the time is right. Let them know that you have faced difficulties like theirs and how you overcame it. Uplift clients by letting them know they're not alone and that there's hope. If you were being serviced by a professional and you were discussing an issue that had to do with connecting with a service that was related to your visit, how would you feel if they asked you for that number and made a call to them right then and there? That would feel phenomenal right? As a professional you know you are usually treated differently than your clients are, and a call from a profession often improves the situation. We at NPCFS want you to do that as often as you can for your clients. You may not always have the time, but you can tell the client you wished you had the time to make the call even if you can't. Just them knowing you cared is important too.
When you live by the philosophy of always leaving people and situations in a better place you empower clients and yourself. You'll see yourself differently when you live by this value. And when you have personal challenges you'll be able to draw on the countless times you helped clients overcome their troubles and it very likely that what you're going through will then seem much less daunting.
- Go the extra mile
When a client calls the office and asks a question of you that you can't answer, instead of transferring them to another individual, if you have the time, get up and walk over to your colleague and ask them for the answer yourself. Though that might take a minute or two, it makes the world of a difference to the client who doesn't have to fear staying on hold or getting that person's voicemail. They get their issue resolved instantly and that makes a difference to clients. Just think about how better you feel when you call a utility company and instead of being transferred, that person puts you on hold and gets the answer for you. That feels good doesn't it? Of course it does, and this is part of what it means to have great customer skills services. Sometimes a client from another agency will call you and ask a question that neither you nor your colleagues can answer. What can you do to help them in this instance? Well, if it's possible google the number they need to get their question answered and pass that along. As an example, if a client doesn't have renter's insurance and doesn't know who to go about getting it, googling an insurance company's customer service number and giving that to them immediately meets their needs. Gestures like this make New Promise Children and Family Services stand out from the crowd.
It takes an organized person to go the extra mile. It also takes a person who has ample energy. Self care is important in any field, but when you are servicing children and families, it's vital that you eat well and do some form of exercise. If you don't find a way to replenish your life and release stress, you won't be able to go the extra mile for clients because you won't even have the energy to go the extra mile for yourself. Successfully living this philosophy means you must also have some kind of health regimen in your own life that keeps you energized and upbeat.
- Have integrity even when it's difficult
People don't always like to hear the truth, but the majority of us appreciate it when we do hear it. It's not always easy to tell clients what we know or think is very likely to be the case, but it's important to speak truth. What happens when we don't level with clients is that if they find out we were less than honest, they'll never trust us again. There usually will be a crucial moment when being trusted is paramount, but if you've shown yourself to be unworthy of trust the client will be unable to believe in you. Without trust relationships have no real foundation and become ineffective.
But the opposite is true as well. When a client knows that you've told them things they don't want to hear in the name of honesty or integrity, when they ask you a question that is deeply important to them, they'll know they can rely on you to be truthful. Once you get a reputation for being clear and honest, you'll find that you're also highly respected. Does this mean that everyone will like you? No, some people don't like to hear the truth, but deep down inside, they will respect you even if on the surface they are a bit standoffish. Living by this philosophy takes strength and the ability to not be shaken by disapproval. In order to live by this philosophy truth has to be more important than the temporary approval you'll receive from the pretense. To have integrity even when it's tough means you have a sense of self-reliance and self respect.
Life has existed for billions of years before the world offered its stage to you. Does this fact move you, motivate you to make this life count, or are you numb to how magnificent it is that now you are here? The fact of the matter is this- are you grateful, from the core of your heart, are you grateful to now be here- alive and able to create experiences that affect you and the world? Most of us are numb to the great reality of how long it has taken life to draw back the curtains and allow them the opportunity to live large, to make this moment substantial and to not sweat the small stuff because, well, why would you? This is after all, your debut.
Those of us who don't challenge ourselves do so for many reasons. We've been
weighed down by the pain of an abusive upbringing. Some of us feel held
back by a society we feel does not favor
“our kind”. And then there are those of us who are simply afraid, afraid to
feel, afraid to dream big and afraid to step outside of the box that
surrounds us. Life has made us bitter and condensed like a bucket of cream cheese. But here are some truths if you are
looking to be set free. If you feel pain, welcome to the
club. We, all of us have the same experiences, nuanced only by our
individual perspectives. But no one escapes life without pain, and everyone’s
pain, is to them, unique and exceptional. Yet the reality is that pain
is not exceptional, it is the norm, so let go of
dramatizing it.
And what about being held back? In every era there was a ethnic group that was the top dog, the supreme race, the ones who built the biggest structures, the greatest art, the most impressive science. There was a time when your race was thebig kahuna, and if your race isn't enjoying that privilege now, get over it. The bottom line is that no matter how prestigious "your people" are currently, life still favors the brave. And you can be brave, right? So, shake off the shackles and the barriers you believe have you captive and get into your warrior gear. But wait a moment, there's something really important you should know. -"Fear is that state of mind
that haunts us with a commentary of doom". Fear is our opponent, look
at fear in this way, like it's an opponent. And when fear enters the awareness, decimate it
with courage by telling it to “give us its
best shot”. And then - after a few times of doing this, watch how that state of mind flees. It is
bizarre, but fear will run when we open our arms and say, “come with
it…I’m ready for you.” And why is that?
It is because we aren't our thoughts, so we are their boss, and so firstly, we don't have to believe them. And secondly, when we challenge a thought we're withholding its food. Thoughts need us to live, they need us to believe in them. And like egotistic film stars, without our attention like a kid they'll jump up and down and have a tantrum. Ignore a thought/belief long enough and it goes away. Starve a thought/belief long enough and it dies. There's no way around this, it's a fact that thoughts need us to survive. It's only that we never knew this. Somehow we thought we were at their mercy. WRONG!
This is our life. It is the only life that we'll ever have. Even
if we believe in reincarnation, this us, this us will never be us again! Ever. So
try to find a way to comprehend that life
has come and gone for eons without us, and now that we’re here we’ll
be damned if we let it go by unnoticed. We can't allow life to persuade us to go blindly into the night. If we don’t attempt to
transcend our part in the play, if we don't attempt to think bigger than our lives, bigger than our roles, our lives will not just stay put, they'll shrink and wilt like a plant without water. And we'll despise ourselves for it. We'll despise ourself because somewhere inside
all of us, we know we are a gift to life just as much as life is a gift
to us. Yet if we miss the significance of both these ideas, we die
inside, and this inner death erodes excitement, joy, self-respect and
self-love.
The entire purpose of our life is to do three things: Find you, Love you, and then share that love with the world. Leave any part of this equation out, and we won't have the necessary ingredients to live a spectacular life and though our heart beats- our soul will feel dead.
