According to the law, if a child has been in care for 15 out of 22 months the County must request alternatives for permanency from the court.  The Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) actually requires permanency for all children in foster care. 

The Hierarchy of Goals for Children in Care

Reunification is the preference for children in care.  Returning children to their biological parents is the preferred goal for all children if possible. 

If the biological parents are unable to satisfy the goals set before them to have their children reunited, their parental rights are terminated. 

Adoption becomes the goal for a child in this instance and the choosen resource parents become the legal custodians of children.  The goal of adoption reflects as closely as possible the family unit that society deems as normal.  This is the preferred goal once reunification is ruled out and the parental rights have been terminated. 

Permanent Legal Custody , also known as PLC is when the resource parent becomes the legal guardian of the child.  This goal does not require the termination of parental rights and parents may retain visitation rights if those visits are not harmful to the health of safety of a child. 

Once the resource parent attains PLC, they have a right to determine the nature of the care and treatment of the child, including ordinary medical care.  They also have the right to make decisions that involve the child's education, travel, enlistment in the armed forces and when they secure a driver's license.

APPLA/SIL is the least preferred goal for children as this leaves children vulnerable and without supports in that it means they have not had a resource parent adopt or attain custody.

Can you answer how long a child is in care before the courts seek alternative permanent resources for him or her?

What is the preferrable goal for any child in care?  What is the least preferrable goal for a child in care?

Birth to age 3 

Developmental Period - language acquisition and development of trust.

During this period children are too young to understand adoption, but the foundation can be laid to revisit in the future.

Behaviors in this stage include: Clinginess inconsolable crying when separated from caregivers. Night traumas, self-preservation through fixation with food, rocking, and/ or seclusion.

Parents should suppport their children’s needs throughout the early years by gaining insight and information on what to expect.

Few children are adopted while still infants in child welfare system.

Ages 3-7

Developmental Period - Concrete thinker only capable of focusing on physical objects, literal meanings, and facts in the here and now.

Developing independence from primary caregivers.

Children may imagine that their behavior is the cause of unrelated events. Tendency to strive for perfection in the eyes of adoptive parents to appear less flawed.

Begin talking to child about adoption during this period depending on child’s maturity and development.

Some experts feel this age may be too early as some children may be unable to fully grasp the concept of adoption; but problems may arise if delayed too long.

If explaining during this period, use simple descriptions and focus on your reasons for wanting the child as opposed to reasons for initial separation.

There are many children’s books available to help convey these concepts.

Age 8-12

Developmental Period – Striving for success in school, peer relationships, and sports. Children are capable of understanding the full meaning of words related to their adoption history.

Will typically have more developed questions regarding specific information like who organized adoption. 

Good time to occasionally speak with child about the topic during low stress period as opposed to times of crisis.

Different event can trigger the though process for child i.e. pregnancy, birthdays or other life events.

Age 12-15

Developmental Period – Begining of identity formation; child begins examining his/her roots and questions identity and separation/individuation. Youth begins to examine his own roots, questions his beginnings, and begins to experiment with identities different than those of his parents. 

Child may try to identify with certain characteristics that are related to birth family.

Anger stage of grief- Anger. The understanding that being adopted means a family was lost and may lead to feelings of rejection.

Adoptive parents should avoid reacting to anger with anger; firmly set limits and consequences; while maintaining a sense of humor and understanding.

Age 16-19

Developmental Period – Preparing to leave the nest. Leaving the family may harbor emotional consequences as the individual tries to cope with changes.

Lost intimacy as a consequence of moving on may lead to romantic relationships as a way to cope. 

Failure in work and school setting may be a resulting behavior.

TRUE or FALSE

When my teenager is acting out I should ask him/her what are you feeling right now?

I should allow my teenager to explore his/her biological roots as long as it doesn't harm him/her.

I shouldn't scream or appear out of control when my teenager tries to push my buttons.  My moto is: I'm calm enough for both of us!

When my teenager begins trying to find her/his unique identity, I should support it, even if their choices seem strange to me.

When my teenager is acting out, I should let them know over and over, that I want to understand them because they are important to me.  

Even if my teenager says that they don't think I care about them or their lives, I should let them know that I do. 

Children who are separated from their families face the reality that a very important part of their life has ended.  And just as the death of a loved one causes a person to feel loss and grief, so does the death of the family unit create loss and grief. 

There are 5 stages to grief and they may not unfold in any particular order.  Also, some or all the stages may repeat themselves as time passes. 

The important thing for a resource parent to understand is if a child seems to be rejecting them or the loving things that parent is doing for the child, that their behavior is not necessarily about the parent.  

• Denial – "Everything is okay.”; "This can't be happening, not to me."  Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. 

• Anger – "Why do bad things always happen to me? This isn’t right, it’s not fair." Once in the second stage, the child recognizes that denial cannot continue. 

• Bargaining – “If I’m good/bad, I’ll get to go home”

• Depression – "What’s the point, nothing I do will change anything.”; "I miss my family, there’s no reason to live without them.”

• Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; In this last stage, the child begins to come to terms with their situation. 

All these stages are an important time for grieving that must be processed. 

Parents who have children going through the grief stages should consider therapy, support groups for the children or books that the child can read that might help them to cope better. 

Go here to find books: http://bit.ly/chgrief

The children who are in need of adoptive parents can range from infants to teenagers.  They come from every ethnic and socio-economic background. Most of the children awaiting adoption are African American and between the ages of 8 and 12.   

For our older children, 31% of them become homeless sleeping on the sofa's of friend after friend, or worse, anyone who offers them a place for the night.  These youth become homeless because they were unable to form deep bonds with the families they resided with.   Though many of the families that care for foster children love them, often they don't understand how the wounds of separation manifest and mistaken their behaviors for purposeful opposition. 

Children in the child welfare system and particularly those who are deemed as special needs tend to be older, part of a sibling group, of a minority heritage and may have a physical or behavioral disability. Worker’s must encourage families who want to adopt to keep in mind many of those children will have siblings who need to be adopted as well, and are likely to be older children and not infants. 

The term "special needs" is used to indicate that the child may have invisible wounds.  On the surface we usually don't know that a child has been removed from their parents, that they feel lost or may be fixated on wanting to return to their parents and all that is familiar.  Often when children are removed from their parents they are enrolled in a new school and are labeled distracted, oppositional or learning disabled.  But the truth is, they're simply heart broken and no longer know who they are or who they belong to.

Someone in the middle of a divorce from an abusive spouse, or one that they still loved, might not know it, but their co-workers might notice that they appear distracted or irriated more easily too.  

A caretaker must be tolerant of the child's negative feelings.  Your ability to not take personally, a child’s lack of coping skills and what looks on the surface as negative behaviors is crucial to helping that child heal. You can't heal another person if you are just as fragile as they are.  

A parent must make a decision that they will be the grown up and rise above petty arguments by remaining logical and calm. 

A caretaker must be comfortable stepping into the role of the primary parent and not feel guilty or a lack of entitlement.  If the child lives with you, you are the ‘real’ parent. 

When a child appears controlling or manipulative, for now, this is the best they can do. Model better behaviors and help the child become aware of what they are displaying.

Even if they child denies the behavior, point it out, but without going back and forth and allowing the child to manipulate you into behaving at their level. 

Caretakers must be flexible in their expectations.  Be willing to modify expectations by seeing behaviors and challenging issues from a fresh perspective.  

A caretaker must be strong enough to be rejected by the child.  You must learn to not take the child’s behavior personally. 

Caretakers must accept that it takes time to create a healthy attachment with a child who feels betrayed or let down by their biological family.

Having a sense of humor is a wonderful tool. Laughter is healing and lightens the mood, often opening the door to say and share things that are difficult. 

Flexibility is important and having flexible family roles is as well.  The ability to be spontaneous helps caretakers and their families be resilient .

A caretaker must be able to support their own needs.  Those who can't take time out to nuture themselves will run out of steam and burn out.  

Open to the idea of using resources:.

Joining support groups, seeking therapy for the child and or family, or just increasing family activities can help.  Looking into boys and girls clubs is also a good source for children who need to offset their experiences of trauma and enjoy feeling connected to their peers. 

These are all healthy resources that assist families in resetting the coping abilities. 

• Flexible Family Roles: Being flexible, changing roles, the ability to be spontaneous, all these things make families resilient in the face of any difficulties.

Although bonding and attachment go hand-in-hand, attachment takes on a slightly broader meaning.

• Bonding is a natural process that typically develops in the first week after birth. This generally speaks to the outpouring of love one feels for their child and can begin as early as pregnancy or develop shortly after birth.

• Attachment refers more directly to the emotional connection between the child and the caregiver that typically requires more time to develop throughout life. Many adoptive parents can mistake bonding for the attachment created with their children. 

• Attachment requires trust which can be difficult for some children based on past experiences. However even in neglectful environments some children may form an attachment to their foster and/ or birth parents.

TRUE or FALSE

Children don't go through grief in the same way as an adult who loses a spouse or parent.

Buying a child everything they want takes away the pain of being separated from their family. 

When foster children act out, they are being bad on purpose.  It has nothing to do with not understanding their emotions or knowing how to express them.

If I tell a child they will have to leave my home if they don't start behaving better, it's just true and doesn't cause them to feel a sense of loss all over again. 

Children know how they feel, so when I ask them what's wrong, they're just being difficult when they don't respond.

It's not normal for a child to still be sad when they come to live with another family who cares.   

A child's brain is considered fully developed by the time they are 13  years of age.  So, they know how to work out their problems!

• Loss- of status as biological parent, when parents adopt an older child they lose the early years of development (they cannot answer questions)

• If adoptive parent fails to resolve loss it could – impair ability to recognize pain associated with adoption issues; could force parents into self-protection that will inhibit them from forming strong emotional attachments with the child; could cause AP to project past fears and beliefs into present moments and relationships.

• Shame - Particularly relating to infertility
       issues

• Rejection – Can occur when family of
      friends don’t respect or acknowledge the
      role of adoptive parent.

WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERISTICS?

• Tolerance for ambivalence and negative
       feelings:  The ability for a caretaker to not
       take personally, a child’s lack of coping
       skills and what looks on the surface as
       negative behaviors. 

• Sense of entitlement:  The ability for the
       caretaker to step into the role of being and
       feeling like a primary parent, a ‘real’
       parent. 

• Intrusive and Controlling Qualities:  The
       ability to handle these kinds of behaviors
       from a child, realizing this is their coping  
       ability and the best they can do until they
       learn healthier skills.

• Flexible Expectations:  The ability to be
       able to modify expectations by seeing
       behaviors and challenging issues from a
       fresh perspective.

• Tolerance for Rejection:  Again, for a
       caretaker to not take the child’s behavior
       personally. 

• Ability to Delay Parental Gratification:  
       Caretakers must accept that it takes time to
       create a healthy attachment with a child
       who feels betrayed or let down by their
       biological family.

• Sense of Humor: Laughter is healing and lightens the mood, often opening the door to say and share things that are difficult. 

• Ability to Meet Personal Needs: Caretakers who can’t support their own needs, will run out of steam and burn out.